Black Man Speaketh

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am being scoped by the passengers in a slow moving vehicle as they prepare to gun me down.  And I get that feeling in my house.  Loved Ones equipped with Gatling gun mouths ready to mow me down… chop me down… lay me down on the kitchen floor.

This week’s topic: Verbal Abuse

I don’t subscribe to the prevailing theory that having a bad mouth is synonymous with being a Black Woman.  No woman has the market cornered on that.  And equally I don’t believe that the Black Man is genetically predisposed to being foul mouthed toward all women.  I do believe that constant propagation of the stereotype reinforces and encourages the behavior which then becomes perceived as the norm.

There is little doubt in my mind that the most stereotyped personality on the planet is the Black Woman.  She has been stigmatized as everything from ‘ghetto bitch’ to ‘nappy headed ho’.  She is depicted as hostile, ignorant, promiscuous, foul mouthed, and fertile.  She is portrayed as unfaithful, predisposed to welfare, unreliable in the workplace, and most likely to scheme on child support.  She is accused of using her beauty and aesthetic body to achieve everything from post graduate degrees to political appointments.   And sadly, too many of the men who should believe this the least… are subscribing to the stereotype.

And it’s occurring in the home.

When a Black Woman vents her frustration with the daily societal pressures brought on by the weight of the stereotype, she’s being ‘bitchy’.  When a Black Man attempts to correct rather than mollify the situation, he not only buys into it, he exacerbates the situation.  And thereby sets the stage for confrontational behavior in the home.

Today’s Black Woman comes into the world fighting for her first breath and fights for every single gain thereafter.  That doesn’t make her violent, it makes her aggressively competitive.  And she should be willing to fight for her respect.  But she should not have to fight for respect in her home.  She should not have to fight for respect from her significant other.  And she should not be denied her inalienable right to being treated with respect.  But when it happens… When she is denied her respect…

Why is it so difficult to empathize with her response?

The recipient doesn’t get ‘cussed out’ because that Black Woman is ‘ghetto’, he gets cussed out because he is too ignorant to understand that some Black Woman are simply not going to stand for that kind of insensitivity.  Not on the street, not on the job, and definitely not in her home.

Naturally, I’d like to be the one who says that ‘cussing out’ a culturally desensitized individual is not verbal abuse.  Naturally, I’d like to be the one who creates a new label for this activity.  Something like “vigorously engaging in constructive verbal re-training”.  But the point is… It is verbal abuse.  It does lead to verbal confrontation.  And verbal confrontation is, in my opinion, the number one trigger for domestic violence.

I don’t have an answer for the predicament.  I believe a woman should demand her respect.  I believe that no one should force a woman to have to ‘vigorously’ uphold her right to being respected.  And I don’t believe that a woman should have to stand her ground in the face of physical adversity in order to obtain her respect.

The change has to come in the thought process.  The outcry for reform in the music industry has been a start.  We can effectively change the manner in which the Black Woman is perceived, by demonstrating that Black Men do not subscribe to the stereotype.  We can affect positive change by understanding the debilitating effects of self-debasement.  We can affect positive change by recognizing the links between propagation of the stereotype, verbal abuse, and domestic violence.

And as we all know… the training begins at home.

Will 2008 mark a turning point for the Black Experience in America?  Will having a handsome Black man compete against a wily, veteran white woman for the presidency create a new sense of respect for the Black man?  I wonder.

 

 As I watch the debates, and witness the cat-fight techniques of Hillary, I begin to suspect that her purpose has nothing to do with winning.  At times, Barak seems unable to politely ask Hillary to shut up.  And heaven forbid the Black man be rude to the Senator.

 

I really feel for Barak and candidly admit that he is a stronger man than me, because at a certain point I would have to either walk away or tell her to shut up.  It seems obvious to me that the issue is not what is being discussed. The issue is the manner in which it is discussed.

Barak is being challenged to show that he can hold his composure under Hillary’s withering attack.  And he must do this without turning to the race card, or being gender-phobic, as in asserting that he is a man and she should restrain herself because he said so.

 

Hillary on the other hand, might be counting on the old stereotype of the Black man’s explosive temper and aggressiveness.  In my eyes, she does appear to attempt to draw out the dark side of the man.  Our current president would not have been able to resist, but Barak, has held up admirably and I commend him for that.

 

On the question of what does this do for a people, I contend that Barak’s behavior can be a beacon in the darkness of ancient prejudices.  Even as I watch crime drama television I see this tactic played out over and over.  Make the Black man mad and he will explode and either tell on himself or betray his cohorts. 

 

And what about this stereotype; is it true?  Have you ever felt like Black men are aggressive, and possess explosive tempers?  Do you believe that Black men are prone to violent, abusive behavior toward women? 

 

I took a look at some statistics and the following excerpt comes from the Bureau of Justice (the full report can be found at the following url: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/ascii/ipv.txt).

 

U.S. Department of Justice

Office of Justice Programs

Bureau of justice Statistics

Intimate Partner Violence

May 2000, NCJ 178247

Revised 7/14/00

By Callie Marie Rennison, Ph.D.

and Sarah Welchans

BJS Statisticians

 

 Characteristics of intimate partner 

violence victims, 1993-98 

Regardless of the demographic characteristics considered, women experienced intimate partner violence at higher rates than men between 1993 and 1998.***The remainder of the report examines nonlethal violent victimization, although inclusion of homicides would not affect the findings.***  Among women, being black, young, divorced or separated, earning lower incomes, living in rental housing, and living in an urban area were all associated withhigher rates of intimate partner victimization between 1993 and 1998.  Men who were young, black, divorced or separated, or living in rented housing had significantly higher rates of intimate partner violence than other men. 

Race and ethnicity 

Overall, blacks were victimized by intimate partners at significantly higher rates than persons of any other racebetween 1993 and 1998.  Black females experienced intimate partner violence at a rate 35% higher than that of white females, and about 22 times the rate of women of other races.  Black males experienced intimate partner violence at a rate about 62% higher than that of white males and about 22 times the rate of men of other races. 

The preceding is what I arrived at when I googled “domestic abuse statistics by race”. 

Interesting.  In fairness, a less gloomy and more recent report can be found at: http://www.ojp.gov/bjs/intimate/victims.htm 

But the point remains the same, even in the more recent report, Black females experience higher rates of domestic abuse than their white (and all other) counterparts, and the statistic tends to reinforce the stereotype.  Or is it, perhaps, because Black women tend to report abuse more often than their white counterparts and judging by the 62% higher rate of violence that Black men experienced during this time frame, I think it’s safe to say Black women fight back, too. 

This is the kind of topic that can take off in many directions, but let me reiterate the salient points.   

The report demonstrates the continuation of a stereotype on the institutional level.  That’s the Department of Justice indicating being that black, young, divorced or separated, earning lower incomes, living in rental housing, and living in an urban area were all associated with higher rates of intimate partner victimization for women.   

That doesn’t leave many Black women out does it?  And who, I wonder, is committing all the victimization against Black women?  You guessed it, the good old predictable, violent, aggressive, Black man.   

So in closing I say, keep it up Hillary.  Keep poking the sleeping bull with a sharp stick.  That’s not the brightest idea, but considering that you are outmanned and outclassed, perhaps desperate tactics are in order. 

 

 

 

 

The New Year has arrived and brought a mixed bag of emotional states for me.  The pride I find in Obama’s victory in Iowa is only overshadowed by the fact that my woman, my soul, my nexus has left me over a bitter dispute regarding respect.

And I am bringing my case to the Queens.

First, I’d like to establish that this is nothing like criminal court.  There won’t be a winner.  The goal is a better understanding.  Secondly, I request restraint from character assassination.  I am human.  And lastly, there will be no need to get gloved up, tennis shoed up, or any of the other preparations that might have been applicable back in the day when retaliation was on the agenda.  This is not a caught red handed kind of situation.  Naturally names and locations will be withheld, so unless you where there or know a little something about me, the parties involved and the locations will remain anonymous.

I was accused of being disrespectful at the company Christmas Party.  I was there awaiting the arrival of my loved one, who was running a little late.  While I waited, I was enjoying the company of a former co-worker, who happened to be a dark skinned, smooth complexioned beauty.  We were sitting elbow to elbow, laughing and chatting it up when a thump on the table informed me that “My Baby”, as I affectionately refer to her, had arrived.  The thump was the sound of a heavy, oversized purse being intentionally dropped on the table and I must add that “My Baby” is a smooth skinned, highly attractive, ‘redbone’.  I was happy to see her and quickly beckoned her to come near and meet my former co-worker and a few of the other co-workers who were nearby.  She had, however, never met the person I was sitting next to at any of the other company events and was a little stand offish.  But she did hurry over to say hello to those she knew.

The problem, I was later told, was that I did not immediately disengage, upon her arrival, from whatever I was talking about and the proximity of my former co-worker, who was nothing more than a strange woman to her.  I, on the other hand, felt it would have given the wrong impression if I jumped up and slid away as soon as she arrived.  I felt that since I was doing no wrong I had no reason to react defensively.  In later conversations, I was told that defensively had nothing to do with it, that it was a matter of respect.  While I could see her point, I did not come to the same conclusion.  It sounded too much like me responding fearfully to her and whatever was weighing her purse down.

Needless to say, my defense did not go so well and I was convicted by my accuser without being given the benefit of the doubt or having any validity attributed to my position.  I was told that not only was I supposed to have reacted more definitively my former co-worker should have, too. So it wasn’t just me who was being disrespectful, it was all parties involved whether they knew her or not.

To make a long story short, she stood there silently as though giving me one last chance to tuck my tail and run, before she left the party.  I did ask if she was leaving, but she did not respond.  And I was told later that I was supposed to get up and not just let her leave the way that I did. In fact, I was told later, that I was trying to act like a big man or something in front of my co-workers because I didn’t follow her out of the club.

And that my friends, is the crux of it.  Of course there are a few more details, like the ones that had us arriving at separate times.  Or some of the other collisions during 2007, but by and large these are the facts regarding me being sentenced to solitude.

Now let’s examine this situation from my point of view.

Forgive me if I err, but my understanding, as I have often pointed out to her, is that she is (was) my woman and not my man.  I have a problem being given directions on how to respect “my woman”, especially when the directions emanate from “my woman”.  As long as I am being a man about myself, respecting all women goes without saying.  The idea that some individual quirks should be applied to the equation goes beyond being outside of the box.

A better way to handle that situation would have been for her to come, allow herself to be introduced and then politely suggest that we (as in, she and I) sit at another table or something.  At which point I would have graciously excused myself and joined “My Baby” somewhere close by without any sign of friction or discomfort.  And consequently, she could have discretely attempted to chastise me for being seated next to my former co-worker, and/or for not removing myself immediately.

And my point is that none of that could happen while she was stuck in ‘alpha female’ mode.  Being publicly (albeit silently) demanding and aggressive was the recipe to shutting me down, placing me in a catatonic state where I was not trying to hear or see what was being said or done, because I felt like I was being pushed into a corner and being told what to do… by my woman.

In subsequent discussions, I have admitted that I see her point.  She has not, however, chosen to acknowledge any of mine.  This is not an isolated situation.  I have seen abused men before.  I’ve seen men acquiesce to dominant females in public before.  And I tell you, it is not pretty. 

Don’t get me wrong.  Bless her heart, I love her to death.  And she loves me, too.  Right before she blows the candles out on her birthday cake, she always makes the same silent wish, “Lord make him do what I say”.  And I often find myself staring at her as she sleeps.  She is so beautiful and is such a wonderful person… if only she would relax and leave the driving to us.  What a wonderful place this would be.

Taking Care of Home 

Let’s talk about cheating.  Let’s talk about it from the perspective of someone who has heard a lot about it. 

First, what exactly is cheating?  Infidelity in a marital relationship qualifies, but is there a threshold of occurrence before it officially becomes cheating or is even once cheating?  And at what point is it infidelity?  Is one guilty when the thought occurs?  Or is the onset of guilt synonymous with the consummation of the thought? 

What about those who are in a relationship, but not married?  Certainly, there are activities that could be construed as unfaithful, but are they considered acts of infidelity when they occur in a non-marital situation? 

Those are interesting subjects, but I’d like to concentrate on why cheating occurs. 

Is it safe to say, “Somebody ain’t taking care of home.” 

How many times have we heard about someone being so dissatisfied with his wife’s cooking that he sneaks out and eats at another woman’s house?  It happens.  And it is an activity that could be construed as cheating. 

What about the contentious person?  How many times have we heard about a man finding the peace that he could not get at home, in another woman’s house? 

I’m sure there are as many reasons as there are excuses, but I contend that the root cause is someone neglecting home. 

For the sanctity of the home, how far should we be willing to go to combat boredom?  Taking in a show, or a meal is nice, but does that keep the flair in a relationship?  Esoteric sexual practices don’t float everyone’s boat, but a little imagination and creativity almost never hurt.  Combating stagnation should be an everyday activity.  Nothing drains the life from a relationship like getting stuck in a rut.  Doing everything the same way, at or around the same time, in the same place.   

Granted, survival dictates the majority of our daily activities (unless you’re a rock star, superstar athlete, or media mogul), but what we do with those remaining moments is precious.  Taking care of ourselves is part of taking care of the relationship.  Waistlines, hairlines, stamina, and personal hygiene are all important indicators of the investment that we are willing to make in our partnerships. 

Taking care of self is the prelude to taking care of home.   Money is important but how many times have we heard about infidelity in moneyed circles?  The glue that binds often has nothing to do with finance.  Caring, sharing, remembering to say “You look nice,” being openly affectionate, making the most of romantic opportunities, and starting with a winner in the first place are more likely to seal the deal than money alone. 

Some women understand the “hunting gene” that men possess.  The indescribable, insatiable, instinctive urge to prowl, pursue, and pounce on feminine prey.  To think that the hunting gene dies when the wedding band goes on is ridiculous.  Solving for it is another matter.   

I’ve heard about hot grits, boiling water, box cutters and other medieval tactics, but I have yet to hear of one that resolves a stubborn case.  And yet, some women seem to have a handle on it. 

What is it that causes a man to stay with and remain faithful to one woman for thirty, forty years, and more? Is it tolerance?  Perseverance?  Does she turn a blind eye to extracurricular activities?  Or does she simply take care of home? 

I suggest that the answer lies in something mentioned earlier.  Start with a winner.  Regard him as a winner.  Reward him with the adulation and attention a winner deserves.  Show nothing but faith and confidence in him.  Rely on him.  And provide him with hunting activities within the sanctity of the relationship. 

 

Everett WebbCopyright 2007

 

 

THE “BLACK CODE” OF LOUISIANA
March, 1724

Louis, by the Grace of God, King of France and of Navarre, to all present and to come, greeting. The Directors of the Company of the Indies having represented to us that the Province and colony of Louisiana is considerably established, by a large number of our subjects, who use slaves for the cultivation of the lands. We have Judged that it behooves our authority and our Justice, for the preservation of this colony, to establish there a law, and certain rules, to maintain there the discipline of the Catholic Apostolic and Roman Church, and to order about what concerns the state and condition of the slaves in the said Islands, and desiring to provide for this, and to make known to our subjects who inhabit there and who shall settle there in the future, that although they inhabit climes infinitely remote, We are always present, by the extent of our power and by our application to succor them. Actuated by these causes and others, by the advice of our Council, and by our certain knowledge, full power and Royal authority, We have said, decreed, and ordered, We say, decree, and order, wish and it pleases us, the following.

ARTICLE I orders that the edict of 1615 be applied to Louisiana, and that all Jews who may have established their religion there be expelled within three months, under penalty of confiscation of body and property.
ARTICLE II orders that all slaves in the province be instructed and baptized in the Catholic religion.
ARTICLE III forbids the exercise of any other religion than the Catholic.
(more…)

Let’s spend a few moments on the subject of women who feel threatened by the relationships their men have with other women.

Before we go into the issue, let’s draw some guidelines.

1.    Stick to the issue – this is not a what’s ‘good for the goose’ kind of thing

2.    Temper, temper – this is my opinion and my opinion only

3.    Warning: candid examination of real life situation

4.    Have a little fun with it

What I want to talk about is a common occurrence.  It happens in my life.  And I imagine it happens in households worldwide.  Women tend to have serious, often aggressive concerns about the relationships that their men form with other women.  It seems that hidden agendas, questionable motives, and subversion always come to her mind when a woman discovers that her man has had, is having, or is even considering a conversation with any woman outside of the relationship. (more…)